I Need To Mourn.

I need to mourn and hide...
I feel so helpless...
My life is wonderful, I've got no problems... I have everything I want. My parents love me, I've got all the support and in fact, it's more than I'll ever need.
But... I'm empty... I feel like the worst idiot in this whole fucked up world.
How could I've been so blind? I need to mourn, conclusively...
I need to stop breathing. Then tell myself that I shouldn't think about him anymore. Get over it. Off with all that crap. Brain wash me if you have to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to ignore the fact that deep down in my little heart I have crazy jumbled up feelings for him... Leave me alone... Just let me be a human with no feelings... I need to study. I need to get a life. I need to wake up.
Please, let me forget him. It's useless. Am officially 100% positive that he already likes someone else... Although he kept denying it and kept turning away from this topic. As a friend, I would like him to have all the happiness in the world, despite whatever stuff he's been going through.
But as a girl... Especially as a girl who's having this sort of feeling for the first time, I just can't bring myself to accept the fact that I can't be that lucky person he thinks of someone special in that way...
God I hate myself. Posting something as ridiculous as this. But you know what, I don't really care. Even if he did see what I wrote then so be it. Trust me, I'll get over you. Just give me some time and let me give myself a little bit of a slap. I can be the sweetest sugar or the extreme bitterness you can ever taste.
As I'm writing this, I finally realized how stupid I was... and still am...
With all my heart... and any strength left inside of me I'm proudly and sincerely saying this -

To him: Good luck... I'll always be happy for you... Don't regret anything bad cos it's all a part of life. I won't confess anything to you even if you or anybody else asked cos I want to let this secret just die. I want to bury it deeper than six feet under and hope it won't ever come alive again and swallow me up ever... I just want you to know that you're a great guy. Treat a girl right. I know you will. And if you think you're that guy then congratulations, you've won my heart but too bad you can never prove that you did because I ain't telling. And too bad you had to tear it apart not knowing that you did. Anyways since you already have feelings for some random girl then hopefully you know what to do. Have fun with that. Don't sympathize me, I'm not as weak as I sound. I'm truly happy for you......

I hope tomorrow will be a better day... My parents are coming back...
With love,
me.