New Year, Old Situation.

Firstly, let's start by wishing everybody a happy new year and many joys with hope to come forth to this blessed year. OK, that was sincere, but to be realistic, let's just hope nobody seriously injures themselves this year, yeah? :)
Now back to me. 2010 marks the end to my teenage wonders. The splendid happiness of being a something-teen has now officially ended. No longer shall people address me as "Hey you eighteen year old girl" or "So you should be nineteen years old this year, eh?". Because this year in precisely 21 more days, I shall be a 20 year old person, yes, with a "2" in front goddammit! LOL.
Updates! Updates! :D
So I started off the year with some college mates, finally decided to be decent and not get drunk (just cos I can't anymore with some reasons to it) and celebrated the festive mood around The Curve. Feelings were mutual though I can't stop but wonder where was it going? Was I finally getting into the group of hated socialites that linger around college past lecture hours acting like high school geeks? Or was it the finale of my awesome existence where I could party all night long and act like a completely ignorant asshole who gets drunk every night and never stop to wonder about her future? I decided not to repeat that anymore because finally, I passed a semester in college and never will I ever want to screw it all up again. Yes, people, we are witnessing a New Year's resolution right here!
Days pass and time rolling with a pace which I find tough to keep up with. The obvious is that time stops for no man and nobody should take what they have for granted. I've put myself into rehab for the past few months, healing from broken friendships and trying hard to let other people in for a change. I'm still unsure if the way I coped with the situation really helped me. It will always haunt me and create this massive phobia towards other people, which I believe is so unfair to myself just because a couple of idiots think they are better than others and could humiliate and judge you then throw you around like a ragdoll. Sigh... I couldn't bring myself to get over it. Why is it so hard, you may ask? Main point : To make matters worse, some people decided to be in the same territory as I currently am in. What nonsense. You've got your bloody stinking place to be at then why don't you just fucking stick to it? Life would be so much easier without having to puke everytime I see you. God! I need to get rid of this hate! Where is the love??? LOL. Well, eventually I will come to my senses.
A wise man once said "There is no point to get all too pissed whenever somebody gives you a hard time. Because the universe tends to unfold". Ahhh... I enjoy self-therapy lessons =)
For now, I'mma sign out. <3>

With Love,
XoXo.

Coming On Too Fast?

Boy-girl relationships, regardless of being friends, a part of your family or simply officially in a relationship. Where and when do you know the boundaries? Or is it just as simple as labeling the title like how we all label designer merchandises, Gucci, Prada… etc?
I guess in this kind of situation, we’d all have to magically turn into optimists, though sometimes at some point we do portray ourselves into the lines of being pessimists, it’s simply inevitable.
Last few days I’ve brought myself to one of the unavoidable bonds between my classmates in English class for this semester. Not all of them, but some. In which my right mind do not feel any comfort in being stuck in this sort of situation because I’m a believer in “not-getting-close-to-your-classmates-in-college-because-you-can-do-much-better-than-that” personal theory. The thing is, the whole theory sort of back fired on me after having lunch with them. Apparently some of them do have brains, and they are pretty nice to hang out with, despite age, gender, social status differences. I must admit, it was enjoyable having company since we all have somewhat socialized in class, it was a change for me to have been around them outside of class. Sadly enough though, this all happened on the last day of class for the semester, next week happens to be the finals. Sigh…
I really thought that either way it was hard for any person to accept me the way I am, because only people who understand my movements would be able to get along with me. But there I was proven wrong again, because seeing so, they looked up to my perky self, the way I was so rude yet funny? LOL. It caught me off-guard there but I’m glad to know that I’ve made a few nice friends. At least now every time I walk across the hallways I’d know who to smile at and I’d have some comfort in knowing that college isn’t such a bad place to be, there is civilization here!
Now the main issue troubling my thoughts is that I think I’m caught in between the same rituals of falling head over butterflies for “Versace”. He is completely absolutely totally opposite of my taste in boys. Or should I say another backfire? Boy I must’ve dashed right between the signs without even stopping to look at any because I should’ve been warned about things like this. I completely did not know that despite everything that’s been going on, the slightest possibility of romance would crop itself into my heart right now. Timing sure knows how to take its toll on a person when they are not alert. This is wrong. Out of the lines. It’s unfair for me, for I am so gullible in this situation. I just can’t help it, what have I done to the male species to deserve this? Maybe I’ve rejected too much that I’m now the subject of rejection? Or am I just clueless, always falling into bloody traps? I am thinking of being gay, it just doesn’t feel right to me; I’m too straight (so Nicole says).
The only thing I’m secretly hoping is that I could contain myself from humiliation and take things easy because I’m just too afraid to face it. Yes, we do text each other. And yes, I believe there are occasional flirts. But the flow of the relationship between us is like an uneven chart going up and down, back and forth between friends and something else above friends, which is confusing. And which is my weaker point. I do not wish for him to resent me for coming on too strong, neither do I want to give him the feeling that I don’t give a damn, because I do. I think about it so often these days I think I must be crazy, he’s not even my type!
What are the odds for you to fall for a person who isn’t even on your list? Or worse, far from your list!
Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. Things just happen randomly and soon enough, before I forget to breathe I’d already have forgotten that I ever had feelings for him. Until then, we’ll see how it goes.

I’m done with my long story so thank you for staying tuned. Have a nice day.

With Love,
Xoxo.

Not Getting Close, Just To Avoid The Pain.

As far as I am concern, or anybody else who might want to be updated, I am helplessly head over heels addicted to the series of Sex In The City. Four women, striving to survive in the vast moving New York city society sharing their deepest, darkest, exotic experiences and secrets about life.

Seeing how Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda handle their everyday complications, obviously every woman could relate to them either one way or the other. It is so typical of how people could share the exact similar situations as projected in the series and looking around, I feel that every woman in on earth might have been through or is going through the period of devastation within their existence. So I believe we all have a universal bond to relate to each other and watching another woman cry you would be self conscious to have the same instincts to feel her pain. I’m not being sexist because men have their issues as well, but I’m specifying on women here just because I am one too. Well, maybe not yet, but I’m getting there…

Parallel to Carrie’s memories on how agonizing and long it took to get over Mr. Big, though deep inside I believe that no matter what it took, the reminiscences of Big still dwells upon her heart and is still aching to be thrown away, I too, find it difficult myself to endure the living past of the deficient remains of my previous circle of friends. A part of me wants to forget, but the other part wants me to fight for what’s right, due to my current degraded social standing. A strong desire inside of me is burning to use violence to handle the matter, like how I’ve always did. Whenever the thoughts plunged into my head, though, why waste my time when nobody else is as concerned about it?

Recently I found out that one of my previous friends lost his long time partner. Did it bother me? Maybe a little. I can’t help it, I’m just the type of person to naturally still care. It feels like hatred vs. concern, good vs. evil, Gucci vs. Prada, feelings that words alone could not explain. But when I think back about the indirect insults which I saw with my own eyes I’d feel wounded right in the middle of the heart.

Here I point out karma. What goes around, comes back around. You know, like how the saying goes and all. I got my karma all worked out so I’m always facing it. It’ll only be a matter of time when the high school drama ends (though we’re all in college), and some people might start to realize what they have done. Repent?... Too late. Damage was already done and forgiveness is a thousand miles away.

I felt all the warm care slide slowly and drained to shrivles out of me, and there was nothing I could do about it. All there was to think about in the next social network is not to get too close to any of them just so that I can avoid further soreness.

However, I feel grateful to still have a life. I realize that many people accept me for my personality, not to be bragging or anything though. I’m satisfied with wherever I am currently and confident with myself because I am what I am, why change? If I did, wouldn’t I just be the same like everybody else? Now that’s something to think about.

Signing off,

xoxo.

A New Shine.

So I sat outside my rented home’s porch while having so many ideas about writing and describing my 19 year old life, while smoking a cigarette which I left half way because desperately enough, I needed to express these thoughts onto something. Just something to share with.

Thoughts about so many things like life, friends, family and relationships clogging through my mind and just then I realize, no matter how jumbled up these new ideas I have, I’d like to shape them into something more useful. As in a guideline, or like a mirror which others might have gotten into the same situation of which I have. Because the truth is, everybody needs a confirmation in everything they do. Something simple like “I think this guy is the right one for me to get into a relationship with, what do you think?” or “I know that my partner and I just couldn’t get along, but I love him, so what should I do?” We all have our own answers and solutions to the problem, but most of us just needed a confirmation regarding of what we think. And sadly enough, after all the advice and opinions you get surrounding you, you’d most probably stick to your own as from the start of the question.

We all need some attention in life, some value to ourselves and a hint of self concious when it comes to making decisions.

Frankly I might add, being a teenager is so much more complicated. I see things and meet people who are new to me, and then when it comes to handling a simple situation like complications in a friendship, I’ll be stoned. Slower, in response and gullible towards true human nature. To most adults who have done it, been through it and over it, these situations seem nothing compared to the world they have lived and still living today. So I am here to experiment and learn most of the important things we need to hold onto in life, in order to succeed in living to the fullest, with no regrets and become skilled at how to handle challenges accompanied by pure strength. There is nothing that I regret doing or seeing so far because it only taught me how to be as cunning as life.

And to people who look differently upon me, perhaps you’ve never really known what the truth looks like. And to you who are judging, be sure to remember that it is you who will be judged when this life ends.

P/s: Since you were such a dick, you should’ve told me earlier that you were instead of getting me into this bloody mess.

With Love,

xoxo.

Everybody Needs.

It's been such a long long time since I've typed in entries into this blog. It feels like it's growing webs in here. Months and months have gone by, many things have happened and too many complicated feelings existed in between these passing months. Sad to say, I'm not studying in Taylor's anymore. Neither am I smoking half a pack a day anymore, cos I'm doin at least a full pack now LOL.
Bite my tongue cos I don't know where to start from myself. It's like a pit hole filled with burning flames and I'm falling right into it, and I gotta save myself from it all myself. =.=
It's also like never ending blow of fists punching my face again and again and again and I dunno how long I can take it. My poor babes have so many problems and I feel like we're all drowning inside this massive fireball where everybody needs shelter and comfort. Of course, the better of us which do not have serious cases would intend to provide shelter and comfort to the ones who are in major shit. I guess I consider myself fortunate because although I know I'm in major shit, I do not regard myself as being in major shit because I've got strong self control. In the eyes of people, I may seem to be fine and I'd try not to get people involved into whatever shit I'm having. Cos I know I caused the whole mess myself and I need to clean it up myself, but I seriously doubt anybody would rescue me if I died. Everybody needs help. I know I do. I support my friends and I know I'd be there whenever anybody needs me. I'd get myself in trouble because I wanna help people but when I need somebody to at least care I couldn't find any.
Could somebody tell me why?
Maybe it's my problem things are so fucked. But I dunno why I'm typing this, maybe I'm just fucking crazy. Oh well... Tomorrow's a better day.
Please let me die.

Echo.

I close my eyes,
Let the whole thing pass me by,
There is no time to waste asking why.

I'll runaway with you by my side,
I'll runaway with you by my side.

I need to let go of this pride.

I think about your face,
And how I fell into your lies.
The circle that I traced around the one that I call mine,
Well the time we called for some space,
Unclear where you drew the line.

I don't need to solve this case,
And I don't need to look behind.

But it still echos in my mind...

Do you expect me to change the past I hold inside?
With all the words you say repeating in my mind.
Well there are some things you can't erase,
No matter how hard you try.
An exit to escape is all there's left to find.

So I close my eyes,
Let the whole thing pass me by.
There is no time to waste asking why...
But I'll runaway with you by my side,
I'll runaway with you by my side...

I need to let go of this pride.
Until this echo in my mind.
Until this echo can forever subside.



xoxo.